Varmint Huntin’

Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!


Pops used to take me huntin’ varmints when I was a boy. First time out, he killed a varmint or two, then took me by the shoulder and said: “Billy, the next varmint we find is all yours son”.

Well, I tell ya, I was real dribble piss down my pants excited and sure nuff, Poppa let me kill the very next varmint we got cornered. Took a few goes to finally do it in and t’weren’t a purty sight. I was new at varmint killin’ and bein’ gooch-eyed, shootin’ straight was kinda hard, but after emptyin’ my rifle at the squealin’ critter, I surely done for that varmint in the end.

Pa looked at me real prideful like and after kickin’ the lead-filled corpse into a bush, he took me by the shoulder (Pa did that a lot, tho t’weren’t the only body part he liked to take me by) and told me I had just become a full growed man.

After that time, Pops and me would go varmint huntin’ four, five times every week. We shot all kinds’a varmints. Big ‘n’ little varmints. Eatin’ varmints. Varmints you hunt down just for the hell of it. We killed ’em all, no matter if they hopped, crawled, run, swum, flew or ate thay’s own shit. In the end, t’weren’t no more varmints left to kill. The woods here abouts grewed real, real quiet like and most’a the younguns starved to death.

Nowadays, what’s left of our family survive on corn pone and beetles and for fun, in place of all the exstink varmints, we kill passin’ strangers. Well, eventually, when we done a’funnin’ and a’sportin’ wid ’em. Sheriff says it don’t make no never minds, thays bein’ outsiders ‘n’ all. Swamp takes care of the bodies real good. I enjoys watching ’em sink more than re-runs of Dukes of Hazard. Yuk, yuk, yuk.

Can’t deny I miss all the varmint huntin’, but at least I done got myself a lady friend now that little sis finally started bleedin’. Just last tewsday, ‘cordin’ to Gramma. I is still gettin’ bit to the bone stoppin’ sis screamin’, mind, but she sho is wurth it. Uh huh, real tight. Gramps showed me how to poke it in first time.

Kin learn a lot from old folks ’bout killin’ ‘n’ rapin’ and such shit.

They mess you up real bad your ma and pa. They may not mean to, but they surely does. Uh huh.


About tonyjayg

I'm a great bloke. That's all you need to know. ;)
This entry was posted in Funny-Peculiar. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s