Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!
The morning was sharp and icy, mid-december snow blanketing the land with Christmas-carol drifts, crisp and deep and even. I marched across this virgin shroud, boots squeaking and crunching, breath billowing in the air for a beat of one, before an errant breeze came to scoop it away to some far exotic corner.
Keats, Wordsworth, Byron, neither the poets of their day, nor the brainlessly abusive gangsta rappers of today, could have found words enough to paint the intense whiteness of the scene. As I walked, the serenity of the landscape seemed to seep into my bones, into my very soul, opening my mind to a thousand wondrous possibilities.
A hundred yards I trudged and then a hundred more, until my eye was finally allerted to a brown smudge, a tiny blemish on the wintry wonderland. As I came closer, I could see the snow round about had been turned to milky chocolate – a splash of cappuchino surrounded by a halo of pure cream.
Irresistibly drawn by this mocha siren, I reached down and scooped a handful towards my face. The chill bit my flesh cruelly and momentary caution halted my fingers an inch from my mouth. Greed for this frozen cocoa confection swiftly allayed my concerns, however, and ignoring the warning bell ringing inside my head, I gave in to temptation and gently lapped it up.
It tasted disgusting.
It was dog shit.
How did I know with such certainty? Because it had a beefy aftertaste and bits of Winalot stuck in it.Weren’t no Snickers bar, I can tell you that for free! (If I should need to tell you a second time, however, there will be a small repeat fee.)
The Eskimo who told us never to: “eat yellow snow” forgot to warn us about this one, didn’t he, the prick. Accidentally on purpose, I’d say. In his own small way, perhaps he was getting back at the white man for all but destroying his culture and turning his whole tribe into dependant alcoholics. Well what did he expect? If your breath stinks of fish all the time, who in their right mind is going to bother being nice to you?
And that goes for all you kipper suckers who “enjoy” restaurants with fishing nets and lobster baskets hanging all over the place for you to get tangled in and bang your huge fucking heads on. I’m talking dingy shitholes with sickeningly twee names like “Ocean Spray”, “My Plaice” or “Muscle Inn”. What’s wrong with seared mammal flesh anyway? At least cows don’t piss and shit in the air and then swim about in it all day. Fish just have the worst personal hygene in the animal kingdom and that’s despite having no skanky armpits or other bacteria infested crevices.
You needs a breath mint, innit, Inuit.