All Things Bright and Beautiful (In no way describes the following filth)

Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!

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“You know how to whistle, don’t you Steve? Just put your lips together and blow.”

“Actually, babycakes, I never mastered the knack. I can fart the opening bars of All Things Bright and Beautiful, though, if that’s any good to you.”

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Do something amazing today!

Stick your dick through a random letterbox and find out if they own a dog.

The mutt might be friendly.

Maybe a little too friendly. Know what I’m saying?

On the other hand, you may want to call an ambulance.

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They say that if you get someone to squeeze their eyes tightly shut and walk about their home, banging into things and becoming disorientated really brings home to them how difficult and frightening living as a blind person must be.

Personally, I think it would get the message across much more effectively if you threw a drum of pepper into their face. It would save them having to fake it, for one, and if you didn’t like the fucker anyway, it would sting like an unholy bastard and might even do permanent damage to their retinas.

An open pair of scissors would do the trick, too.

Or a cup of bleach.

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Pearl necklace
Glistening and runny
There’s some on your eyebrow
It looks quite funny

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Richard the Third – turd.
Not really much of an epitaph for a king, is it…

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I took my seven-year old son, Timmy, ice skating for the very first time this weekend. It was his birthday treat.

Timmy took to the ice fairly well, but complained that the boots made his ankles ache quite badly. Mind you, they didn’t hurt half as much as when this fat bloke skated over his hand, severing three of his ickle fingers.

Won’t forget that birthday in a hurry.

Course he mutilated digits won’t. Don’t talk minor throbs!

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I had a dream the other night that I was eating a giant pork chop and when I woke up my wife was gone and I had blood all over my face.

Can’t find the bloody toothpicks, either.

She’s always tidying things away.

Was always.

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Do something amazing today!

Drill holes in a bald guy’s skull and fill them with mustard and cress seeds.

Hey, nice crop, man!

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Just because God is all-knowing, IT thinks IT knows bloody everything.

Is that a bolt of lightning I see-eeeeeooouuuccchhh!

Touchy Deity.

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Salt of the Earth
Scum of the Earth
So similar and yet, so very, very different.

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Milk, mmm, lovely. Makes me feel like suckling the gelatinous titty juices out of my cross-eyed brother’s ugly pregnant wife while tugging myself into a state of drooling unconsciousness.

Again.

He didn’t mind last time.

Well, I say didn’t mind, when I actually mean couldn’t get out of his wheelchair to stop me.

Are you shocked yet? No? Don’t push me. You’ll only make it worse for yourself and everyone else…

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“You know how to whistle, don’t you Steve? Just put your lips together and blow.”

“Actually, babycakes, I never mastered the knack. I have an extremely thick cock, though, if that’s any good to you?”

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The biggest cause of accidents in the home is the people who have them.

Ham-fisted cunts.

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Apparently, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Personally speaking, I prefer having a bird’s bush in my hand.

Or her tits in my gob.

Doesn’t make me a bad person.

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Large banana, peel the skin
Open your legs and shove it in
Doing the above would be a mistake
Unpeeled is fine, but peeled they break

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They say you never forget how to ride a bike, but I bet you do after a truck has just run over your head.

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Should I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Or to a dead pig with it’s head stuck in a bucket of warm shit?

Make your mind up, I have things to do…

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When I was an itty bitty baby, my mother done rock me in the cradle.

Then she’d drop me into an icy bath of water just to hear me yelp.

And you wonder why my head’s fucked up…

 

 

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About tonyjayg

I'm a great bloke. That's all you need to know. ;)
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