Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!
I love a nice cup of tea, particularly first thing in the morning, or after a typical English fry-up. Tea is refreshing, uplifting and warms you up on cold winter days. It’s so good, in fact, first aiders are told to give hot sweet tea to people suffering from shock.
Coffee is also a top-notch beverage. Coffee stimulates, giving you a boost when you are feeling weary, or find your spirits flagging. As well as having a mildly laxative effect, which helps to keep the old plip plops flowing freely when your colon may otherwise get backed up with hardened turds, it’s also a great flavouring for ice cream, cakes and ganja biscuits.
I also love lager. Real ale enthusiasts criticize lager for being artificial and gassy, but I like the taste and the fizz in the back of the throat it gives as I chug it down. Ice cold and served with a lively head, I find the tenth pint every bit as good as the first. Not that I can find much else by then and I don’t begrudge all the late night vomiting and diarrhea in the least
A drop of scotch whisky is hard to beat, too. Scotch is the king of spirits. With its mellow, woody taste and invigorating after-burn, it hits the spot every time when you’ve had a stressful day and also gives you the “Dutch courage” to go on battling life’s vicissitudes. Though I’m not an expert in melancholia and its effects, I suspect scotch whisky would also be a fine tonic for miserable bleeders who want to kill themselves, or possibly tip them over the edge. One or the other.
Having said that, at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, in the final analysis and all things being equal, the upshot is that you really can’t top a glass of plain old-fashioned water, give or take.
Mind you, a chilled tumbler of milk is pretty good as well and milkshakes are rather fun. Then there are those yoghurt drinks which we are told are so good for our digestive processes. They should mix the yoghurt with coffee shots. That should keep the guts squirting nicely.
And then there’s malty Ovaltine, or comforting hot chocolate, which now comes in a range of seductive flavours like mint, orange, ferret wee, public lavatory seat and fudge delight. There’s also blackcurrant, red wine, lemonade, cherry coke, liquid paraffin, bunny blood, meths, virgin’s urine and gin, which all have their places in the pantheon of liquid treats.
Most of all, I like any drink that gets you completely out of your skull, shit-faced. That way, unlike when drinking water or juice, you can act like a complete twat, breaking windows, defecating on car bonnets, grabbing hold of some strange bird’s tits, while sticking your other hand up her skirt and shouting abuse and violent threats at your elderly neighbours when they try to intervene, pretending next day that you don’t remember any of your previous evening’s antics and atrocities like the lying, alcoholic, retarded arsehole that you are.
Your round I believe…