White Lightning

Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now! 

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My family never had much money when I was growing up and couldn’t afford to buy me expensive toys and games like the other kids had. To make up for this paucity of plastic playthings, I developed a truly amazing imagination and came to inhabit a world that was authentic in every detail.

My favourite escapist game was daydreaming about being a cowboy. Not any old cowboy, but the greatest gunslinger around. I was a good guy with a hard edge and baddies feared me and my blazing law-bringer because they knew I was super fast, deadly accurate and remorseless in my battle against the forces of evil.

Like any decent lawman, I rode a fantasy steed called White Lightning – an equine friend more fleet of foot and more loyal than any other horse in the west. Wore an imaginary Stetson to shade the hot sun from my eyes (even when there was a bit of a light drizzle outside). Had a pretend Winchester thrust through a loop on my fanciful, hand-tooled, Mexican saddle and toted a made up colt 45, complete with non-existent mother-of-pearl handle, carried in a fictional many-notched holster slung low on my hip.

In my time as a fake US marshal, I cleaned up several lawless towns, tracked and gunned down many a murdering bank robber and rogue comanchero, butchered the entire Indian nation (in my day, pre PC, the injuns were always the bad guys), created the legend of the mysterious hero on the thundering white stallion and kissed two girls from my school, Sharon and Tracey, whom I liked to visualise as pretty and obliging inhabitants of my tough western utopia – though in reality they were the pillows off of my bed.

A large, tatty, soft toy monkey I owned came in handy during my cowboy games and we had regular fist fights, in which I would punch him from one side of the room to the other and back again. We would roll around the floor, Mickey trying to strangle me and then I would gain the upper hand and throw him against the wall like a Vietnamese guy killing a guinea pig.

Mickey’s face (Mickey the Monkey) was made of rubber and squashed under my knuckles in a most satisfying manner. Usually, outlaw Mickey was called Roger Cooper, named after a little shit from my school who used to twist my ear or give me dead legs and I would beat him mercilessly. If voodoo worked, Roger would have been black, blue and dead. Arsehole.

Anyway, one day, I was galloping along on White Lightning in hot pursuit of a particularly vile bunch of outlaws who had just robbed, gang-raped and murdered a stagecoach full of young women (including that bitch Sharon, who I’d gone off after she spat on my school blazer when I was standing in front of her in the dinner queue), when an unfortunate accident occurred.

Just as I drew my shiny peacemaker to bring down the first of the leering, unshaven desperadoes, a mentally constructed diamond-back rattle snake slithered into my path, thus spooking my pretend steed, causing him to rear up and throw me violently to the ground. I hit the mythical desert floor hard and the jarring impact made my dreamt up six-gun go off – the wayward bullet entering my head via my nose, blowing out my imaginary brains and allowing the villains to escape.

I was never the same after that.

These days, I just drink a lot of White Lightning, interfere with my private parts and dribble down my chin. I still miss my super powers, though. Particularly the x-ray vision and my bat cape. Wibble. 

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About tonyjayg

I'm a great bloke. That's all you need to know. ;)
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12 Responses to White Lightning

  1. Avril says:

    I do hope that there is another young lad, today, with your imagination. He’ll be fighting off evil and avenging all slights to his person in the battleground of his bedroom. I’d like to think of him growing up with an irreverent humour and a fearless contempt for what will then be the fully developed police state of the EU.
    I’m afraid, though, he will spend the rest of his life racked with guilt that he was doing all that instead of blowing up his mum and dad for smoking, or leaving the telly on standby.

  2. talent100 says:

    The brainwashing and brain damaging is much more intense than what I grew up with, but let’s hope lots of youngsters see through it. I hope this lunacy of mine attracts a few younger readers, then in amongst the weirdness, I can throw in a bit of preaching and try to break the conditioning. I know I’m not always right when I rant about stuff (can’t be), but it’s all about questioning. Cynicism should not be a dirty word. It’s a lot healthier than swallowing all the bullshit hook line and sinker…

  3. talent100 says:

    I just noticed the first paragraph was missing, but it’s been added now. Edit has been playing me up this morning. Grr.

  4. Me says:

    Tony,
    Oh the memories this brought me. We use to play with nothing. I use to dig allot. Cave’s for my Barbie cars. Reminds me of the time me and my friends played doctor. I found these old mercury bottles, put water in them and made them all take their medicine. When the parents found out and my friends were getting their stomachs pumped, I was eating candy. You see I didn’t take any medicine, after all, I was the doctor.
    Enjoying this blog Tony, your writing fascinates me.
    Denny

    • tonyjayg says:

      That’as funny Denny. You should write a piece about that. Nothing funnier than poisoning all your friends ha ha ha.

  5. This brought back memories for me too. I was also a gunslinging marshal, and one day I rounded up a lawbreaker (my brother, obligingly filling the role). I took my job very seriously, and having put the miscreant in prison (Dad’s shed) I locked him in securely with the padlock firmly closed. That’s when I got distracted. It was quite some time before my parents heard him banging on the door. I’d long since gone off to do other things. What makes this even better is that the “lawbreaker” was a police cadet at the time…..

    • tonyjayg says:

      You should write it up Yvonne. Make a good little tail. You just reminded me of the time a friend and I were playing a game where we tied each other up and then saw how long it would take for us to escape. Finally, I tied his hands behind his back, then tied his legs together and lashed legs and hands so he was laying on his belly like an upended bug. Then I went across the road to my house and watched him struggle for half an hour before his brother came home and released him. He didn’t see the funny side of it fopr some reason… ha ha ha. I’m laughing just at the memory. We did some terrible stuff to each other, him and me. 🙂

  6. Before I was even born my brother and sister tied my other sister (the youngest of the three) to a post in the garden with her hands behind it. They lashed the rope pretty hard and then heard the icecream van. Those two ran off and bought an icecream…… No, they didn’t get one for her. My mother responded to the screams emanating from the garden. She had to use the breadknife to remove the rope because they’d done such a good job! ha ha ha.

    • tonyjayg says:

      Brilliant. My sister used to torment me all of the time, a right bully she was. One day she was kneeling on top of me rubbing her knuckles onto my chest and I was howling. We lived in a caravan at the time, 1963 and ten foot snowdrifts had blocked us into the site. Anyway, just then my dad and brother came in and they took hold of my sister’s arms and legs and then swung her back and forth by the open door. She was giggling and saying they wouldn’t dare, only they did dare and they let go and she landed in the snow with a wump. By the time she managed to extricate herself, her legs were mottled like corned beef and her face was scarlet from crying and shrieking. Served her right. I laughed and the more she screamed the more I laughed. 😉

  7. tonyjayg says:

    Brilliant. You must write these things up Yvonne. Then I’ll tell you about when I hid in the coal bunker to avoid going to sunday service.

  8. tonyjayg says:

    I think I love you. :))))

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