Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!
I was watching the news some years ago, before I was as old as I am now, but older than I had been before then, when a shocking and extremely unexpected item came up – figuring somewhere between all the wars started by nutjobs and arseholes and the skateboarding bloodhound.
“Fred, This Morning’s be-jumpered weatherman, died earlier today in a freak accident. (I know he was a little eccentric, but calling him a freak seemed a tad harsh). “In the middle of his forecast, while in the process of jumping from one map to the other, he slipped and fell heavily, striking his chin on the coast of Ireland.”
“Oddly, according to an expert doctor of some kind, it wasn’t the initial blow that killed him, but one of his false teeth, which broke loose with great force, passing through his unusually small brain and blowing a molar-shaped hole in the top of his cranium.”
“A spokesperson for the TV company responsible for producing the show, promised a top-level inquiry to ascertain which member of the crew or cast had earlier taken a runny dump on West Wales, thereby causing the tragedy.”
“Richard Madeley and Judy Finnegan, the show’s inexplicably popular hosts, failed to comment on Fred’s untimely death, largely because they were unable to stop giggling long enough, but also because, as per usual, Judy was as unwell as a rat. A pissed rat.”
“Our man on the scene, Percy (why-don’t-I-ever-get-a-proper-fucking-story-to-cover) Pryman, has, however, reported seeing what can only be described as ‘suspicious‘ brown splashes on the backs of Finnegan’s white court shoes. Updates on that story to follow after the second half of the film you have now forgotten that you were watching and adverts for Immodium Plus, Andrex Velvet, Windeeze and a funeral parlour.”
…Of course none of that’s true, silly! I make stuff up in my head box. It helps me to keep the demon voices at bay. Sorry? Kill who?