My Mate Simon

Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!



When I was twelve years old, my best mate, Simon, was a bit of a strange cove. In warm weather he used to smell of stale wee and he was really tight with his sweets, not that you wanted any given the foul odour he was giving off.

Simon had crooked, goofy teeth and they were always slimy and dirty and his breath stank like putrid brussels sprouts. He used to pick his nose during school dinners and would show you what he had dug out of his nostril before licking it off his finger. That was just one of his least revolting habits.

Simon was a spiteful little bugger as well and was always giving me dead legs and chinese burns and making me cry. He had a lazy eye and a wide, flat nose and I suspect he was actually a bit of a retard. That’s what we used to call mongs back in my day, though now of course, the terms retard and mong are both criminal offences. I’m not sure about “window-licking buffoon”, that’s still a bit of a grey area, though I expect the thought police are on the case.

When I say Simon was my best mate, what I actually meant was, I hated the horrible cunt and was really pleased when he slipped over in the swimming baths, hit his head on a marble step and drowned. I think he could have been resucitated, but the lifeguard took one look at his manky, gunge-coated teeth and said “I’m not giving that the fucking kiss of life, thank you very much! I resign.” and with that he threw his whistle in the pool and left.

If not for his accident, I think I may have poisoned Simon with drain cleaner, so it certainly saved me from a lengthy detention. Our headmaster, Mr Whackem, had no time for murderers and once gave one killer third-form boy the slipper. I might have been given the other slipper for poisoning Simon and then me and the other kid would have had one slipper each and that’s a bit pointless unless you have a one-legged grandparent to give it to, which I didn’t. Had a grandad with no legs, but even a proper pair of slippers wouldn’t have been any use to him. Epecially as he was dead.

What the fuck am I talking about?


About tonyjayg

I'm a great bloke. That's all you need to know. ;)
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4 Responses to My Mate Simon

  1. Heather says:

    Dunno lol But it does make for entertaining reading 🙂

  2. Lawson Narse says:

    Fond memories Tony. I had a mate like that. Must have been one in every school in the Country. Maybe it was a legal requirement that all schools have at least on drooling retard, so that the other kids have someone to look down on?

  3. Avril says:

    Trouble was, they wouldn’t conveniently die, and they STILL sit next to you on the bus!

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