Conversations With Dog

Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!

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It’s a well known fact that a cow can walk up stairs, but not down stairs. So be warned, once you’ve got Daisy into your third floor flat you’re fucking stuck with her.

The free milk really isn’t worth it and dismembering a cow in your bathroom makes a right bloody mess. Literally.

The plumber got me raided by the RSPCA. Bastard.

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So I was saying, apparently cleanliness is next to godliness, while genius is close to insanity and for some reason the stinking nutter I was talking to took offence.

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I was waiting for a tube the other day, when I spotted this really unhappy looking woman standing right on the edge of the platform, obviously getting ready to jump in front of the approaching train.

Without stopping to think about it, or worry about my personal safety, I carefully and quietly walked up behind her and as the train thundered into the station, shouted:

“Go on! I fucking dare you!”

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“So inspector, any idea who did it?”

“Nothing conclusive, but I do have a hunch.”

“You’ve got bad breath and a big nose, too, but I’m not here to discuss your physical defects.”

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I bought a new tennis racquet the other day and it had a serving suggestion on the packet!

It didn’t really. I’m making things up again.

Have you seen the one on Twiglet packets though? NO? Well, simply tip Twiglets out onto a plate, place a stick of celery on table alongside plate, fill a tumbler with something that may or may not be orange juice and voila, a wholesome and visually appealing snack!

For fuck’s sake.

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I wish I had a fluffy little bunny with huge blue eyes and floppy ears. Then I could disembowel him and use him as a big novelty slipper.

Or maybe a hat with eyes.

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Conversations with Dog – a dyslexic’s spiritual dialogue.

Off couarse is are. Donu’t talc sheat!

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“So inspector, any idea who did it?”

“Nothing conclusive, but I do have a hunch.”

“Well I’ve got a huge penis and balls the size of toffee apples, but you don’t hear me bragging.”

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When I was a lad, I had a huge, viscious German Shepherd dog called Sabre as a pet and he used to attack small children and rip out their throats.

Tell a lie. It was a guinea pig called Floppy.

Floppy died during a play I was performing for my little friends. Apparently using small furry animals as glove puppets isn’t particularly good for them.

After that, I had to change his name to Stiffy and keep him in the fridge.

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About tonyjayg

I'm a great bloke. That's all you need to know. ;)
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