Fear of Flying

Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!


My baby boards the morning train

She works from nine to five and then

She takes another home again to find me waiting for her…

In a dark alley, because I really, really love her and we will be together forever and ever and no one can stop me – not her husband, not those interfering policemen, no one. As soon as they let me out on parole, we will be joined as one, floating down the river side by side. Face down.

The Stalkers Song



Politicians are pompous, erroneously self-important men and women, who aren’t capable of doing a single fucking thing without going cross-eyed, shitting themselves, bribing everyone in sight and dribbling into their bondage masks, who will blow up thousands of innocent women and children just to get their pathetic names in some dusty book in the library history section, who presume to preach to the rest of us basically good and moral people on how we should live our lives.

Bit like certain teachers.

You know who you are.

Keep your hands to yourself in future.




I have a mate who is absolutely terrified of flying. He’s never been abroad on holiday unless he could get there by boat and eventually, sick of wasting half of his leave days travelling, he decided to do something about it and booked himself onto one of those fear of flying courses.

He went last weekend. It crashed. No survivors.

I suppose I should have said “had a mate”

Might have been better off with a fear of static caravans.

Or milk floats.




I wish I had a fluffy little bunny with huge blue eyes and floppy ears. Then I could drag it to the local park on a bit of hairy string and pin it down with my boot while someone’s rabid rottweiler fucked it brainless and then bit its face off.

Save having to clean out the biscuit tin I was planning to keep it in. Well, once I’d cut enough bits off of bunny to make it fit, anyway.

Don’t look at me like that.




Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the swines will laugh at you. People are like that. The world’s a tough place.

Sorry, kill who? Either give me a name or shut up, I’m trying to think.




Know what makes me cross?

When I need to be on the other side of the road, THAT’S WHAT!

I would have thought that was bleedin’ obvious.

Even to you, craphead…



About tonyjayg

I'm a great bloke. That's all you need to know. ;)
This entry was posted in Shorts. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Fear of Flying

  1. Avril says:

    Thanks for the laugh, Tony, I needed it. xx

  2. Rich says:

    By, that hits the spot. 😀

  3. tonyjayg says:

    I does me bestest. 🙂 🙂

    I’m not right in the head, by the way..

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