Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!
I was on the Starship Voyager the other night – beamed aboard from my home world of Skintgit to entertain the Captain and crew – when I found myself alone with 7 of 9.
“You are one horny Borg drone,” I told her, admiring her impressive curves and sprayed-on uniform, somehow the metal thing sticking out of her face failing to distract me.
“Irrelevant,” she replied, coolly.
Emboldened, I unzipped my spacesuit. “What do you think of this for a photon torpedo?” I asked, with a smirk.
The metal of her eyebrow lifted. “Yes,” she said, “I admit that is a little more relevant.”
“So,” I said. “How about me plugging it into your collective?”
“I am Borg,” she replied. “We drones prefer a bit of back-door regeneration.”
“Maybe you are,” I told her, “but I am human and have no wish to be assimilated into your alien dirt-box.”
“Why? she frowned. “What have you got against hives?”
“Bad experience concerning honey, angry bees and smoke that wore off quicker than I expected,” I said. “Don’t ask.”
“I see.” 7 nodded. “Then perhaps you would prefer a BJ?”
“And what’s a Borg job, exactly?” I asked. “Nothing to do with your android starfish, I hope?”
“Sex like an earthly dog with the entire collective watching.”
“Now you’re talking.” I replied. “Shields down 7! Phaser to vibrate, prepare for borders!”
…Then I woke up.
It’s always when you get to the good bits, isn’t it.
And there was no milk in the fridge.