Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!
Last saturday was a beautiful sunny day, so I decided to make good use of it. First, I went for a stroll down by the river and fed the ducks, laughing at the antics of the greedy gulls that swooped and hovered all around. Then I ambled to my local park to admire the well-kept gardens, stopping to inhale the scent of the many lavender bushes and allowing all the tensions of the week to drain away with each breath.
I paused for a while and took coffee and a sticky bun at the refreshment bar, where I was entertained for free by the shrieking kiddies as they laughed and cavorted in the play area, excited by its brightly coloured swings and climbing frames. There were two cheeky squirrels scampering about as well, bringing a smile to my face. I think they conned me out of more of my bun than I ate myself. Charming creatures.
After a time, I moved on and found my way to my favourite pub, where I sat at a table outside and had a pint or two of chilled beer while admiring the attractive young ladies passing by. After a couple of hours of quaffing and admiring, I ordered a steak sandwich with a side of fries and once my meal was done, replete and sated, I hailed a cab and directed him to the local cinema.
It was a beautiful film, a heart-warming tale and along with my buckets’ of coke and popcorn, I admit to indulging in more than a few quiet tears. Credits rolling, I emerged out into the warm early evening air and wandered homeward, listening to the birds warbling a last chorus before bed time and attempting to whistle along with them.
Then I shit in my trousers and made a nuisance of myself with a group of girls at a bus stop, pestering them for money and waving my dick at them aggressively.
All in all, it was a good day.
Apart from the night in the cell and being pushed down a flight of stone steps by a burly policeman. That wasn’t so good. No need for behaviour like that! And I don’t even know what a “nonce” is.