Thriller.

Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!

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I wish I had a buzz saw with a powerful electric motor and sharp whirling blades. Then I could cut bunny right down the centre so that me and my little sister, Mindy, could have exactly half each.

That should put a stop to all the bickering.

MUM!

TELL HER!

SHE’S UNPLUGGED IT AGAIN!

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Q: If Peter has twelve sweeties and his friend, Heather, has six sweeties, how many sweeties would Peter have to give Heather for them to have the same number of sweeties each?

And don’t say one, you fucking little twat, because that’s wrong. Do you want to fail this quiz?

A: If you answered three, you’re correct! I bet Heather still doesn’t let Peter rummage about in her damp gusset, though. Ungrateful bitch. I think Peter should keep his sweeties all to himself in future and instead of bribery, which clearly isn’t working for him, he should trick the greedy cow into sucking his bell end by telling her it’s a big raspberry.

At least, that’s what I would do.

If I wasn’t already on the offender’s register.

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When I was a lad, I had a huge German shepherd dog called sabre and he used to steal babies out of prams and eat them. Tell a lie. It was a baby rabbit called Ben and Ben only ever ate lettuce and carrots. Bit boring really.

Sadly, while we were playing together one day, Ben fell off the top of a wardrobe and died.

I convinced mum that Ben climbed up there on his own.

Yeah, I know.

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Dimple in chin, devil within.

Overpowering pong, dead rat up arsehole.

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ODDBINS – bit of a strange name for a wine retailer, but a whole lot worse for an opticians.

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I wish I had a fluffy little bunny with huge blue eyes and floppy ears. Then I could tie him to a swing and do my best to wrap it around the crossbar eight times until the chains squeezed the bunny wunny shit out of him.

Round ‘n’ round he goes, up ‘n’ down he goes, rattle, rattle, squeak, squelch.

Bit like my mates do with me, cheering louder and louder the more I get hurt. They think I’m a right laugh, they do.

Yes they do Mindy! Shut your fucking cakehole!

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Just because you can’t see God doesn’t mean He doesn’t exist. I can’t see Him either, I just hear His voice in my head. Usually in the wee small hours. He whispers things to me and I go and do them.

For some reason the judge wouldn’t take that into account and refused bail and had me put into a secure unit.

Must be an atheist.

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Do something amazing today!

Set fire to your head and run about clutching your nuts while singing ‘Thriller’.

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About tonyjayg

I'm a great bloke. That's all you need to know. ;)
This entry was posted in Funny-Peculiar, Shorts. Bookmark the permalink.

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