There are those who say that speaking my mind and saying exactly how I feel without fear or favour is refreshing. I guess it is a good thing, to some degree or other. The thing is, though, where other people think random stuff they would never actually say out loud, I think something and before I even realise I’m doing it, there it is, typed up and posted for all the world to see.
Be it something angry, or sad, or a bit on the blue side, or outrageously flirty, as soon as something occurs to me it’s out of my mouth – well – onto my keyboard at any rate. I’ve lost count of the number of posts or comments, seeming perfectly reasonable at the time, that in the cold light of day have made me shudder and I have deleted them hoping they weren’t seen by too many people, but knowing that they probably were.
These losses of self-control really bother me a lot. I’ve come to the conclusion that having now spent years with only my own thoughts for company, with almost no interaction with other people whatsoever, my self-censoring mechanism has gone kaput. It’s almost like a form of Tourette’s, where thoughts just blurt out of me and it’s only hours later that I realise I’ve gone completely over the top, or even said something I don’t even believe myself. I admit that sometimes demon drink plays it’s part, but far from always and I can go right into one stone cold sober. I plead temporary insanity, your honour. Yep, definitely losing the plot.
A few people have got irritated with me – can’t say I blame them, I irritate myself most days – who tell me I need to find things to do and places to go. That’s true, but if only it was that simple. I’ve regularly searched around for singing groups, art workshops, all kinds of stuff, but so far I haven’t found a single thing that isn’t either beyond my means financially, or too far away to be practical. I used to do evening classes in yoga and singing, but where they once cost twenty quid a term, nowadays they are £140 and upwards and my inside out pockets just can’t run to that.
As I’ve said before, the only places to go around here are the park, the library or a local pub. The pub is a non starter because they are so bloody expensive. It’s currently a bit on the brass monkeys side for sitting in the park and there is only so much time I can spend browsing bookshelves. I’ve done all the free art galleries, including a giant warehouse full of talent-less crap – otherwise known as Tate Modern – and to be honest, that’s about as much fun as going to a theme park on your own. I was going to a free council Pilates class for a few months, but that ended with the cutbacks. Sod’s law in action.
London is crammed to the rafters with people, but it’s a dreadfully lonely place for all that. So I sit here on my own, going stir crazy and brooding about things I can’t do anything about, until I have one of my well-known angry rants and then later, really wish I hadn’t. I’m surprised on a regular basis to find so many people agreeing with me and convince myself almost every day that someone will have complained and got my FB account suspended. I sometimes think that might be no bad thing, but unless I can find something else to occupy my time, the thought of being cut off from my friends on here as well isn’t a pleasant prospect.
Oh well, I’m going to have another Google around now and see if I can strike lucky and find something to do that’s relatively close at hand and cheap … preferably free. Free is good.
Since I wrote this piece, I have actually joined a choir and it is indeed FREE! I’ve also been taking singing classes at Morley college, which I also didn’t have to pay for and I’ve joined a reading group at the library and offered to do some volunteer work putting books back, or whatever they need. My choir sang at a wedding on saturday, which was good fun and we will be singing in Myatts Fields at an open day in two weeks time. Appearing on the old victorian bandstand will be novel. The library had a burns night recently and I gathered up my courage and sang a solo and it went down really well. There are a few other things in the pipeline, so things have looked up a little. Still need to find much more to fill my time, but at least things have been going in the right direction
I’m still nuts, though… 🙂