Due to the huge deficit inherited from the Labour party, the coalition government are forced to raise further revenues through taxation. These measures naturally won’t affect anyone earning a quarter of a million pounds or more per annum, because they are the wealth creators and without them banks in Switzerland, the Maldives and the Cayman Islands would no longer be awash with billions salted away to avoid paying any tax.
Phillip Green, for instance, in 2005 received £1.2 billion from his company, but as this is registered in his wife’s name (who lives in Monaco), he avoided paying a single penny to the UK tax authorities, which is only right and proper as he employs thousands of ordinary people who have PAYE deducted from their meagre salaries on a weekly basis at source.
Further, having lavished an extra five pounds per week on non productive pensioners, it has become necessary to remove their tax allowances as many are now working until they drop from old age and exhaustion and it is only proper that the little extra they earn be subject to full tax deductions.
We have raised the price of cigarettes by 39 pence per packet and are soon to introduce minimum pricing on alcohol (disguised as concern for public health), but these increases alone will not cover the average cut in tax for higher rate tax payers of £50 thousand pounds per person per annum and further levies will also have to be introduced. Champagne and caviar aren’t getting any cheaper, after all, and someone has to foot the bill, preferably those who aren’t already rolling in it.
Therefore, from April, we will be introducing a sight tax. It has come to our attention that sighted people gain entertainment from being able to “see” things and if the BBC can get away with charging for its heavily biased services, we don’t see why such entertainment should come free. The sight tax will be payable at the rate of £3 daily and failure to pay before midnight will incur a fine of £50, doubling to £100 if not paid within 24 hours. Those only sighted in one eye will pay a reduced rate of £2 daily, while those without sight will be exempt (though they will still be subject to hearing tax).
Hearing tax will be set at the lower rate of £2 daily (though subject to the same level of fines as sight tax if unpaid for a 24 hour period). However, a premium rate of £2.50 will be set for those in areas with a high incidence of birdsong, or those living close to a river or babbling brook as these sounds are deemed almost as entertaining as being able to “see” things. Similar reductions will apply to those deaf in one ear or without hearing as for the partially sighted or unsighted (see above).
From next year, we will also be introducing a £5 levy on sex, but as most married couples will be ineligible for this tax, it will be combined with a masturbation tax. These new taxes will only come into force in eighteen months time to allow sufficient time for cameras to be installed in every home in the country. These will not only cover bedrooms, bathrooms and living rooms, but also hallways, cellars, attics and garden sheds.
The £5 sex charge is flat rate with no reduction for “quickies” or “knee tremblers“ and must be paid in advance. Young people and teenagers will still attract the masturbation tax, but at the reduced rate of £3 to reflect bulk usage. Their parents or legal guardians will be responsible for payment of said tax until the child reaches age 18, when responsibility for the full sex and masturbation taxes and any relating fines for non-payment will revert to the young adult.
Plans for breathing, smiling and laughter taxes have, for the time being, been shelved, but should we be forced to start any more expensive wars in the middle east, this may be subject to change. We believe breathing should be seen as a privilege and not a right, particularly with supplies of air becoming shorter all the time and if you can still laugh or raise a smile, then clearly you still have it too easy and a luxury tax may become appropriate at a future date.
We will also be introducing a wheelchair tax. Similar to the road fund licence, this will be on a per mile basis, but will only apply when the user is “outside”. Miniature tachographs will be fitted to all wheelchairs over the next twelve months and will be activated on the first trip out thereafter. The charge will initially be set at £8 per mile, but as wheelchair users aren’t expected to travel any great distances, this may have to be increased.
Finally, homeless people will have their benefits reduced to reflect rental payments for short-term doorway usage and additional wear and tear on pavements and public conveniences. They will have a further reduction made to cover the cost of street lighting and this will be based on the average amount of darkness between the longest and shortest days of the year. These measures are designed to help the homeless kick their drinking habits and as they only sit about all day, they clearly don’t require as much food as the average worker and should therefore not miss the deducted amounts.
The coalition government are, of course, expecting civil unrest and rioting to result from these measures, but as the police are now armed to the teeth and we are safely protected and filthy rich, we don’t give a flying shit.