Let me just reiterate, I AM AN IDIOT.
There are lots of reasons for me being an idiot, but I’m not sure if they wash as excuses. Recently I said some hateful things on FaceBook and upset some people I would never want to upset ever. The things I said are out of character for me and don’t even sound like me. I know why I turned into an idiot. Total isolation, anger, bitterness, a destroyed life, loneliness, pointlessness, worry, unrelenting pressure and the fear of becoming homeless, freezing all winter too frightened to put the heating on, not having spoken to a human being face to face in two years, creeping madness, sadness, being imprisoned with my own thoughts, being broke, regrets, hating myself, being angry at the way the entire world is going, feeling lost and alone, missing my community which no longer exists swamped by immigrants and driven away, feeling like my life is over, praying for help every day and getting no response, being the repeated victim of crime with no one apparently giving a shit, thinking every day about death and really not caring if I wake up, feeling ashamed that the fight has gone out of me, wanting to scream but holding it in, feeling like an utter failure and a waste of space, and trying to escape from all these thoughts and feelings by drinking enough cheap cider to kill ten dossers three times over and spewing bile and anger that make me ashamed to be me.
No excuse. I am an idiot. Over and out.