Amazingly, the recipe needed to create a human being consists of the following:
Enough water to fill a ten gallon barrel.
Enough fat for ten bars of soap.
Enough carbon for nine thousand lead pencils.
Enough phosphorous for two thousand two hundred match heads.
Enough iron for one medium-sized nail.
Enough lime to whitewash a chicken coop.
Plus small quantities of magnesium, sulphur and other odds and ends.
Funny thing is, when I gathered together the above shopping list and dropped it into a bath of water, fuck all happened. It just lay in the bottom of the tub for two weeks looking like a pile of old rubbish.
And the nail went rusty.
I’ve tried chucking a party bucket of fried chicken in with it all just in case that might supply the missing chemical link, but still nothing. Two sachets of black pepper and a lemon wet wipe haven’t made a bit of difference either.
Bang goes my plans for growing an army in Mum’s bathtub and world domination.
I don’t know where I’m going wrong.