Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!
My little seven-year old nephew, Timmy, stayed over last weekend. I’d promised to take him to the circus on Saturday afternoon and he was really excited. By Saturday morning, Timmy could hardly contain himself.
“Auntie Dora, Auntie Dora,“ he jigged up and down as he spoke. “What time are we going to the circus?”
“We’ll be leaving at three and the show starts at four,” I told him.
“And will there be clowns? And will there be jugglers? And, ooh, ooh, will there be hephalumps?”
“Yes and lot’s of other animals too.”
“Hooray! Hooray!” Timmy squealed in delight, running in circles. “We’re going to the circus! We’re going to the circus!”
“Now, Timmy,” I said. “Do be quiet while I have my morning coffee, there’s a good boy.” Well, he managed to contain his glee for a few minutes, but then began to jump around again.
“I can’t wait Auntie Dora! Hephalumps and everything!”
“Timmy,” I said, sternly, peering at him over the rims of my half moon glasses. “Do be quiet, there’s a good lad. I’m trying to concentrate on my Reader’s Digest bumper book of serial killers.” This time he remained still for almost fifteen minutes, but then he once more began running around, bouncing up and down on my Draylon sofa, making trumpeting noises and flapping his arm in front of his face in his interpretation of an elephant’s trunk.
Exasperated by his constant interruptions and having reached a chapter on that fascinating Ted Bundy chap, I am afraid I became a little heated. “Timmy, what part of ‘be quiet’ don’t you understand?” I yelled. “You boss-eyed, halfwit, bed-wetting, cry baby!” All to no avail, but at least the freezing bath of water finally shut the little bastard up, even if forcing him to eat his wax crayons didn’t.
When my husband came home, he took one look at Timmy’s pathetic state in the cold, cold water and said: “You see, Dora., I told you he was an ungrateful little shit after he said he didn’t like that purple gonk I gave him for his birthday. Now lock him in the bin chamber and let’s get pissed and go dogging instead.”
Is it time for my medication yet, nurse?