Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!
Lungs suck. And they blow. And sometimes, if you don’t remain vigilant, they fill up with water and kill you when you least expect it. Apple bobbing has claimed more unwary victims than people realise. Particularly when the class bully holds your head under while the teacher is outside having a crafty fag.
Lungs don’t even taste good, not unless some sneaky fucker hides them inside pasties, sausages or burgers, disguising their noisome flavour with minced chicken neck and savoury cow’s anus. That’s another Jamie Oliver recipe I won’t be trying again any time soon. The sprinkling of star anise and pinch of saffron didn’t make a bit of difference. As for the squirt of squid ink, bloody waste of time and money that was.
Did you know one human lung spread out flat would cover an entire tennis court? I dare say it would make it a bit slippy, though. Don’t see Wimbledon changing over from grass to lung courts in the near future. Not ‘traditional’ enough for those snobs. I mean, they’ve never budged an inch over the all white kit thing, not even for the girl players when they’ve got the painters in.
“Fuckin’ ow much? For six fuckin’ strawberries and a teaspoon of cream? Think I’m stupid or somefing you posh cunt? Call the old bill, you ponce. See if I give a flying fuckin’ shit. Stuck up wanker. Don’t worry, I’m going. Tosser! This game’s a load of shit anyway.”
“Fuckin’ lucky, I’m tellin’ ya. Would’a fuckin’ killed the snotty fucker if it weren’t for me suspended sentence.”
“Moufy bitch weren’t wurf it Dwayne. Let’s forget all this aggro and go torment the pitball in our council crib and take a load of them drugs what we bought wiv our benefits. Unless you’d rather stay here and eye up all these Annika Barker and Sue Rice twats what fink their turds don’t stink.”
“Don’t be daft, Chanterelle-Syphon-Gershwin-Pipette! Ow can you say that wiv your mouf? You knows your my bestest bird and that I only whack youse now and then for your own good.”
“No one ever hit me wiv the same tenderness what you does, Dwayne. You is my geezer, innit. Come ‘ere ya big lump and stab me for no fuckin’ reason to show your love is about passion, takin’ the piss and getting free pussy wiv no commitment or cash involvement and not out of mindless brutality, like what that judge said last time. He was talkin’ out of hs arse, he was.”
…Meanwhile, back in my head: WHAT?
No, I don’t know either.
Can anyone help me?
What about you? You hiding at the back there.
Or maybe you just don’t want to help. Is that it?