Master Chef

Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!

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Just finished watching Master chef. I know some people think it’s all pretentious twaddle and lots of these chef shows are full of over-priced nonsense, but I love it.

Actually, I’ve always been a pretty good cook – started training as a chef at 15 in the very posh and prestigious RAC club in London’s Pal Mal – so next year I think I will enter the Master chef competition. I’ve already got a menu in mind…

First course: Damp draught through a rotting window frame, with crushed toenails and pimple juice, served on a bed of crispy nose hairs. And to add a touch of theatrics to this simple starter, it will be served up under a glass cloche that, when lifted by the waiter, offers up just a hint of eggy fart smell to further delight the senses.

Main course: Deep fried dog turd and barbecued trainer insoles in a rich vomit and bum-foam froth, with a side of something found rotting in the bin and dead skin foot crisps from an old person.

Sounds like a winner to me!

Must be worth thirty-five quid of anyone’s money.

You don’t even want to know what I would serve for desert.

No, you really don’t, so don’t ask.

Well, you wouldn’t listen…

Desert: Essence of tramp sitting in a bath full of sick sucking diarrhoea through a sweaty sock, while having his throat cut by a disease-riddled, cross-eyed goat-shagger.

I said you didn’t want to know, but you just had to insist. There’s no advising some people.

Anyway, I’m taking bookings for my restaurant now, so get in early to avoid disappointment.

First five customers get a buy one get one free deal and a doggy bag – made of dead doggy.

Tell your friends!!!!

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About tonyjayg

I'm a great bloke. That's all you need to know. ;)
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2 Responses to Master Chef

  1. Dioclese says:

    Am I to assume you don’t like Masterchef? Can’t taste it, can’t smell it and it’s run by a couple of pretentious, supercilious cunts.

    I recommend http://is-a-cunt.com/2011/10/john-torode-and-greg-wallace/

    An watch that space, because I know that Greg Wallace is also schedule for an up and coming cunning!!

  2. tonyjayg says:

    Actually, D, I love watching Masterchef. It’s when they go to the restaraunts full of arseholes paying thirty quid for a cockle with sea mist and sandy foam it pisses me off. In fact, it’s the overt wealth and waste and pretention set against a background of people having to go to foodbanks to survive. The actual contest, I enjoy, it’s the stuff behind it that gives me the shits.

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