I was just eating some celery and I remembered that old thing about it taking more calories to eat celery than are actually in it. Then I thought, imagine how many more calories it must take to pick the bloody stuff than are in it! You could eat it non stop while harvesting it and still die of starvation. That’s not right. Especially when getting the stringy bits out of your dentures uses up even more meagre energy resources.
Well, in these days, when energy is in such short supply and so expensive, I thought it’s high time to ban celery and only grow chocolate gateaux instead and maybe the odd field of custard doughnuts. Make good use of the available land, I say. Maybe we could also grow some lard in window boxes and have toffee plants instead of those useless rubber ones that don’t even bounce or erase anything. And if you’re waiting for a condom harvest from those things, don’t hold your breath. I had one for over a decade and not a single profylactic. Bloody waste of BabyBio that was…
I don’t mind helping out in the chocolate gateaux and doughnut fields. I’ll even do it for free for the good of the nation and if any of you volunteer lady pickers fancy a quick roll in the butter cream, I’m your man.
So I say, down with celery, the cause of all our energy problems!
Who’s with me?!?!