Warning, OUTRAGEOUS is a series of filth, swearing, insanity and gross images. The easily offended (and not so easily) and anyone under about 35 should stop reading right now!
Why do I keep getting e-mails from young ladies looking for love? (I must point out these all arrived via Myspace during my brief dalliance with that abysmal site). Was it because I am so attractive? Was it because loads of young women are out there looking for father figures? Or was it because millions of young girls worldwide are in shit circumstances and trying to hook a middle-aged English guy to give them a better life in return for their sexual youth and kitchen skills?
Or is it part of some scam, earning money by getting some old fool to sign up to something, flirting for a commission? A bit of each, maybe, but most of my money is on the second scenario. Old men, young girls, better life – that one.
Here are a trio of e-mails I received out of about two dozen. Most of them have things in common. They all say I’m the best thing ever, they all talk about love and loyalty and all the good stuff and they are all in terrible broken English. Whether the broken English is meant to engender the male protective/power instinct in their mark to get what they want from him, or is genuinely the plain bad English of a non native speaker, again, a bit of each I suspect.
1. Hello dear
I am Harrison Kay,i am someone that appreciate nature,the birds of the sky,fishes in the ocean and so on,knowing too well that they are the best gift God has for man kind
I will like to know you and those things that makes you better,this life is a beautiful place if only you can see it has beautiful,i hope to read from you soon from my email account (email@example.com) you could also add me to your messenger so that we can chat from time to time and get to know each other better.
2. I was going through the pics in the my search,i came across to ur profile i feel very good and lvoely of ur profile and u look very handsome ,i have never meet someone like u in my life.
3. hello am am evelylinda 33yrs by age am from usa in calnifornia in LA But ,am looking for am serious relationship that will end up in happines and good love, tall,fat, and when i go through your profile i was pleased with what i saw so that is why i came calling on you. am really serious not for game play and i really dont want too be play too,this is my first time on this site and you are the first man i sat my eyes on. my heart and my soul never let you get away from me,cos there is many ways too discribe you, you are handsome gorgeous, fascinety. attractive adorable.charming. precious.and loving, pls if you are interested pls get back too me , , you can add me and let me tell you more about me .. I am romantic, loving, caring, open minded woman, faithful, gentle, kind, honest, love hugs, holding hands, showing affection. I am single i have no kids, I have never been having
any thing to do with men u are the first and i hope u are the one God has choosen for me, I am 5ft 7inc tall, and During my spare time I enjoy Photography, going to the Cinema, listening to Music, visiting Ancient monuments & stones circles and PC/video game & Chatting online. My idea of a perfect date would be walking hand in hand through the park & watching a sunset together, going to a see a movie at the Cinema, or just walking together holding hands around the local town or shops. I value love, honesty, truth, respect, kindness, faithfulness, and open mind, and a kind and caring nature. I do not like lies or deceit,cheating. and people who play games with other people..s feelings, I love openness. I am laura peace. here is my e-mail @yahoo.com* if you care to add me or send me mails through here ok.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered to be considered “fascinety” from the limited info to be gained from my profile, but not really being interested in ancient monuments (what with rapidly turning into one myself, and all), I decided to pass up her kind offer. I’ll probably kick myself in lonely old age, but anyone who can fall madly in love with you just from viewing a web page is either desperate or insane, neither trait being particularly attractive.
Another thing these mails seem to have in common, is that they are almost always from a new member, with only Tom as a friend (Myspace Tom), who quite often disappear again a few days later. Some do have five or six other “friends”, but as they are always blokes old enough to be the girl’s pop or even grandpop (usually complete with straggly beards and thick glasses), I choose not to join their club of desperation. Number three starts off as Evelylinda, but ends up as Laura and that ain’t right.
I have answered a couple of these communications out of curiosity, but after stating no money, no passport, don’t pay for ‘company’ – only more subtly – oddly enough they haven’t bothered to reply.
Funny thing is, whatever their reason for trying to contact me, any one of which must be for their own betterment, I have nothing but sympathy for those either trying to earn a crust selling search-engines, or those trying to marry into a better way of life. We all survive this life the best way we can, after all.
So I wish all my (sometimes half-dressed) contactees good luck, I hope they get what they need from life, but to any of them who think they can con me out of three brass coins, they’ve got more chance of catching smoke with their teeth. My mother didn’t raise no stupid child and cynical is my middle name, though usually spelled J.O.H.N. Besides, I don’t even have three brass coins.
And I really truly hope none of them are suffering or unhappy or desperate. But then, that’s what makes me such a decent human being. Yes I am, pig breath. Just because you’d step on someone’s face to help you up the kerb, don’t tar me with your hard-hearted brush. No, you go and fuck yourself! Yes, you!
*Yahoo addresses were not included to protect the innocent, or otherwise.